Dateline: 04.03.15

Int. House of Commons – Day

It’s Prime Minister’s Question Time and the house is abuzz with its usual mix of over-excitement and boisterous murmuring. Both sides of the House are packed to the rafters with those occupying the front bench adopting serious ‘game’ faces – some of them look across at their opposite number with a certain look that sits somewhere between scowl and smirk while others keep their eyes low in what they hope is a state of solemnity, leaning ever so slightly to one side (Tories to the right, Labour the left – natch!) with their arms folded unnaturally high upon their chests.

Sitting up high on his throne like chair in a central spot between the benches is the Speaker of the House. However, despite the job title, he is not speaking, although his head is bobbing from side to side as though watching a slowly played out tennis rally.

The Prime Minister, David Comeoneileen is standing at the despatch box letting the congregated masses know how he spent his morning and what he intends to get up to later on in the day.

He takes his seat as a figure, four rows behind him, stands, a white fold of paper quivering in his sweaty palms. This is the  Tory MP for Little Trumptown North.

MP Trumptown

Would the Prime Minister agree that the recent spell of fine weather in the South East of England is a clear indication that this Government is delivering on its promises and generally doing amazing?

He sits. The PM returns to the depatch box.


My honourable friend makes an excellent point. Let’s not forget that when we came into power we were in the midst of some pouring rain but thanks to some hard decisions and sound policy-making we’ve turned the corner, brought nice weather back to the hard working folk around Kent and West Sussex which, as we all know, boosts the morale of the country as a whole and proves how utterly dench we’ve been while in office.

The PM’s mates all cheer at this but it’s not going down as well across the floor, with Labour and other opposition MPs harrumphing disapprovingly. Taking his cue from this harrumphing, the leader of the opposition and former lead singer of the Ed Miller Band comes to the centre. Harrumphs turn to hoorays while cheers turn simultaneously to jeers.

Ed Miller

Could the PM explain why it is that he’s friends with people who are so totes corrupt that I’m not even joking? And why, despite saying he was going to well sort the immigration numbers he’s like completely, you know, not done it?

The opposition side say ‘Oo!’ collectively.


This coming from a man who is not only friends with corrupt people he’s also friends with really corrupt people, some of whom he was friends with before me! And as for the immigration issue, he’s wrong we have done it, and had time for a cup of tea afterwards. So, Ner!

The house erupts into a cacophony of noise as MPs shout and holler and wave their hands in the air. Some point and others shout out random words that don’t seem to bear any relation to what is being argued about.


You sooooo haven’t done it it’s not even funny. You told us all you were going to solve the issue and you’ve totes failed which means you’ve totes failed to keep your promise. You’re a promise not-keeper. How can you expect voters to vote for a promise not-keeper, Mr Pants on Fire?

Shouting on a massive scale now, the opposition absolutely loving this full scale verbal assault on Comeoneileen who seems to be smiling but not in a jovial way. More in the way the Joker smiled in The Dark Knight (a great film!). His supporters are, it seems, furious on his behalf – shouting and, in some cases, squawking. The PM stands back at the box but can’t speak as the noise and shouting is too loud.

The Speaker

Order! ORDER!

Honourable Member for Agringstone Central

Two pints of lager and some roasted nuts please.

The Speaker

ORDER! The PM has the right to answer and be heard.


Thank you Mr The Speaker. As I was saying, not only are we not promise not-keepers but I’ll take it one step further and say that we are in fact promise keepers. We promised to re-introduce buttered scallops into the menu at the House canteen and we delivered. We promised to ensure that all people would have access to shops that sold Cornflakes by 2013. We’d achieved this by 2012! I could go on, demonstrating facile points in the way we used to at school to win popularity contests. But I won’t because I don’t need to because I know I’m more popularer than him over there.

Hoots of derision are met head on by shouts of anger. Ed’s best friend, also called Ed, shakes his head and, in a show of solidarity to the other Ed (the one who’s been speaking) he does their special fist pump / handshake thing.


Oh he wants to have a popularity contest does he? Well, that’s fine by me because I know that anyone who has to go around telling people how popular they are, must be totes insecure about themselves. And Mr Davey Boy PM over there is the most insecure person I know. And I know a lot of them. And that’s why he’s resorting to cheap insults because he can’t answer the questions on why he’s a promise not-keeper and a generally rubbish bloke.


Ha – I’ve heard it all now. I’m able to answer any question on anything. In fact I could probs beat Kevin from Eggheads on answering questions. So that’s another thing you’ve got wrong. As for popularity I am sooo more popular than you. Ask my mates, they’ll back me up.

At this remark there is a vigorous and unison nodding of heads from the front benchers.

You just know I’m better than you and you can’t take it.


Oh Yeah?




You want some? I’ll give it ya!


You and who’s army?

Ed (the other one) stands up and puts his arm across Ed’s chest.

Ed (the other one – whispering)

Leave it Ed, he’s not worth it


Come on then. You and me. Any time you like.

PM (doing that thing where you pinch thumb and fingers together to look like a mouth)

Yeah, yeah! You’re all talk, son.

Ed sits back down, his six questions all used up.

The Honourable Member for Aberllantiddery

Can the Prime Minister explain why it is that WHAM! bars and Creme Eggs have shrunk?

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